Since I've been back to Nicaragua there has been a lot to
do, a lot to think about, and a LOT to process. Everything just seems like a
blur of emotions, mission teams, translations, barrio work- and having to
processing everything all at the same time without a break to just sit and
breathe. Yesterday was a hard day. Yesterday was one of those days when I
feel so much, so strongly that I feel I am in danger of hugely spilling over
the delicate edge of my self control. I think I need to be strong, to try not
to think, not to feel. I feel like I need to keep face, stay composed for the
many eyes that see me, and yet don't see me at all- the people who look and see
the American, the Jesus follower, the missionary.. I don't want to mess up. I
don't want to distort their view of any of those things as I live, defining
them, for the watchful eyes on me day after day in and around Chinandega- I
feel like there is too much at stake.. But as I laid on my bed and wept and
wept, letting all of my emotion and thoughts and confusion be released through
cold, wet tears soaking through my pillowcase- Jesus saw me, and he knew me.
And still, he loved me through and through.
I am not perfect, and the one who matters doesn't expect
me to be. He makes me look inward, and ask: Who am I seeking to please? Who am
I striving to serve? Man or my most perfect heavenly Father? Who has (past
tense- ie already) chosen me as I am- to be my imperfect and battered self here
where he's placed me, in His city in Nicaragua. I am not perfect. And by the
grace of God I am reminded of that daily. I am human, and sometimes I feel like
I might explode with all the sadness, love, guilt, joy, and frustration that
fills me beyond overflowing on a daily basis. And think I need to be strong... But
I am broken. And how can I not be? How can you not be overwhelmed when you've
chosen to live like this, chosen to accept this kind of calling- living,
crying, laughing, hurting- loving with your heart completely exposed as you
offer it to every child, every stranger, every friend I meet here in
Nicaragua... feeling Jesus' heart more and more as he reaches for me. And I am
growing. I've seen extraordinary things come from ordinary people- imperfect
people- people like me. And it has nothing to do with me, or them, or you- but
everything to do with Him, the One who is alive and moving in us. There are hard
days- full of tears and confusion, but soon followed by days of praise and
peace. Always as promised, because His promises are true. And He never promised
that His call would be easy, he insured us of just the opposite in fact.
And this is the reason for the great hope we have to share
in the incredible person of Jesus Christ. I am so blessed to know it, and even
just begin to understand it in my brokenness in this broken world, more fully
every day.
