Lost?

We had our first mission group come in two weeks ago! It was like my birthday, Christmas, and everything good all at once as soon as I saw those familiar (and unfamiliar) American faces coming towards me at the airport. It was wonderful being able to speak English, relate to people, form relationships, and share what I’d been learning with them. Translating was also a huge blessing, being able to see how far I’d come since I had arrived 2 short months earlier. I feel like just in the team being here, with their presence and their encouragement I was able to understand, apply, and live out everything I had been learning and everything the Lord had been working in me- how he had been changing me. And that was really cool to see. Before the team had arrived I had felt lost and unsure- and there are definitely still times, many times, when I feel this way- but a new friend recently reminded me of something that was said towards the end of the trip that stuck with her that shed some needed light into my confusion. It was when the team was headed to the beach, for a free day after our week of ministry, and after driving a ways in the direction of our desired destination and some obvious confusion from the drivers seat, the van pulled over on the side of the road. “Are we lost?” a van passenger asked from the back seat, and the response was this, “No we’re not lost, we just don’t know where we are going.” And that made me think. Of course we are not lost. We are in the hands of an all-knowing God, always, even when we may not know where we are going. But we can know in the midst of unknowing, of trials, and confusion- we are exactly where we are supposed to be; we are walking with the Lord. And oh what a beautiful walk it is.

Being uncomfortable makes you stronger in a way, it makes you grow. And being here, alone, performing in dramas in another language in front of huge groups of people, rapping Spanish songs, sharing my testimony literally every where, finding out I’m the guest speaker at an assembly only right as I walk through the door and find an applauding audience waiting for me, being uncomfortable in one situation after another, after another, after another... It’s hard, and it’s breaking me down, letting a very authentic and very raw version of myself surface. And this is very strategic on God’s part I’m sure I’m growing. And the Lord, in leading me into this brokenness, is making me new and growing me into someone new- and in being beautifully broken, I feel stronger every day. I read the story recently of the woman pouring her perfume on Jesus’ head in Mark 14- and the beauty that this story holds continues to blow me away the more and more I read it. One of the things I love about Mark’s account of the event is that he specifies that the woman had to break the jar before she could anoint Jesus, and the sweet aroma of the nard perfume could fill the room. This perfume, called nard, is a very expensive, very valuable possession, probably the most valuable thing this woman owned, and its aroma was said to relieve grieves and pains of the past, and ease the transition from life to death. This woman would not have been able to perform this beautiful act if the vessel had not first been broken. I think only in becoming completely broken, can the Lord fill you, infiltrating every part of your heart, and heal wounds and pains of the past, making you new. And I think that is a huge reason why I am here, and what the Lord is doing in my being here. Being in trying, uncomfortable situations day after day is in many ways bringing out the worst in me, breaking me in order to heal and grow me in all the ways he has planned to. He leads me into situations that test me, that make me better. It’s hard and sometimes confusing, but a beautiful thing, and always a complete surprise. Living down here, in the confusion, in the beauty, in the chaos, I am comforted with the promise that in all of this I’m being made new- I am being broken. And I am certainly not lost; I am walking with the Father, into the unfathomable and great adventure He has laid before me.

Sometimes being here is really hard, and sometimes I wish I would just understand. Sometimes I wish I were understood, and that there was somebody here who really knew me. Sometimes I think its too hard, and too much. And sometimes, I wish I were home. I can't remember what it feels like to be emotionally, mentally, spiritually comfortable. I can't remember what it's like to not be tired. I can't remember the last time I could really call something my own, or even think of putting myself first at all. 
And I can't remember ever feeling so alive, and so right in so many ways.
Sometimes I feel too blessed for this to be real- to really be where I am, with the wonderful people I am serving beside, doing the beautiful things I've been able to do. Sometimes I feel like I can't take another day, and sometimes I feel like I could never leave. I can't remember ever seeing love and loving so much, so deeply, so vulnerably. And I can't remember there being a time when it wasn't worth it. Does it make life harder? Probably. But does it change lives? Absolutely. It's definitely changing mine. Through joys and through hardships, through tears and through prayers to our sweet Father, I feel the Holy Spirit deep at work in every part of my heart, and every part of my life.
There are times, many times, when I don't wan't to crucify myself daily. And thats when I have to remind myself: this isn't about me.
I am weak, and I have to pray for strength daily, for peace, for endurance, for a joy that is overflowing, when I so often run dry. I am here, and I am SO incredibly thankful and glad, in good times when I feel strong, and bad when I am weak. And in these times, in these trials, praise the Lord it is to test my faith, and not my character. Praise the Lord it's not about how strong or good I can be, but about how a strong He is, and how He is perfect, and enough, in every situation. And praise the Lord, all I have to do is remember, breathe, and surrender it all to the one who is more than capable, more than able, and more than enough for me.