Sometimes being here is really hard, and sometimes I wish I would just understand. Sometimes I wish I were understood, and that there was somebody here who really knew me. Sometimes I think its too hard, and too much. And sometimes, I wish I were home. I can't remember what it feels like to be emotionally, mentally, spiritually comfortable. I can't remember what it's like to not be tired. I can't remember the last time I could really call something my own, or even think of putting myself first at all.
And I can't remember ever feeling so alive, and so right in so many ways.
Sometimes I feel too blessed for this to be real- to really be where I am, with the wonderful people I am serving beside, doing the beautiful things I've been able to do. Sometimes I feel like I can't take another day, and sometimes I feel like I could never leave. I can't remember ever seeing love and loving so much, so deeply, so vulnerably. And I can't remember there being a time when it wasn't worth it. Does it make life harder? Probably. But does it change lives? Absolutely. It's definitely changing mine. Through joys and through hardships, through tears and through prayers to our sweet Father, I feel the Holy Spirit deep at work in every part of my heart, and every part of my life.
There are times, many times, when I don't wan't to crucify myself daily. And thats when I have to remind myself: this isn't about me.
I am weak, and I have to pray for strength daily, for peace, for endurance, for a joy that is overflowing, when I so often run dry. I am here, and I am SO incredibly thankful and glad, in good times when I feel strong, and bad when I am weak. And in these times, in these trials, praise the Lord it is to test my faith, and not my character. Praise the Lord it's not about how strong or good I can be, but about how a strong He is, and how He is perfect, and enough, in every situation. And praise the Lord, all I have to do is remember, breathe, and surrender it all to the one who is more than capable, more than able, and more than enough for me.
Love your heart, Hannah. Thanks for encouraging us all. Love you, Dad
ReplyDeleteYou will never forget this time over in Nicaragua will you? You will remember it as the hardest time in your life (probably) and one of the most rewarding. Thanks for letting God use you and then sharing with all of us back home that giving completely of yourselves isn't all smiles and glee but involves hard work and great personal sacrifice. I hope you are journaling oten as you will cherish your daily observations and reflections when time begins to fade your memory. We love you back home Hannah and look forward to your posts....so keep blogging. Your sis is doing a great job mentoring the girls at church. We appreciate her commitment to them. Your Mom and Dad continue to work very hard but are looking good....your Mom died her hair black got a perm and your Dad grew a mustache and Schluter sideburns. No...not really. But stop and take a few seconds.....imagine what they would look like. S t y l i n g! Blessings and much much love, Libby
ReplyDeleteAmazing description Hannah....wonderful to be in the middle of God's will. The flesh longs for it and wants to run from it all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart.
Be encouraged.....